I Highly Recommend You Never Watch These Movies

I watch a lot of Bad ScaresTM. I also watch a lot of bad scary movies.

The first type can be fun and funny and provide fodder for the creation of excellent drinking games! The second category is either boring, infuriating, or both. For me a movie often crosses the line into just plain bad territory when the sexism crosses a threshold from tolerable to rage-inducing. Causation or correlation? Yes.

Obviously the line between bad and BadTM is based on personal taste and is highly subjective. If you’ve seen my Cardinal Rules of Horror you know what type of scare-fails really get my goat. Even if you don’t agree 100% with my deal-breakers, I imagine some people will appreciate a heads-up that a given movie may be unbearably unpleasant. Especially if you recently watched THANKSKILLING (2008) because some asshole told you it would be funny-bad, and now you fear you’ll never be thankful for anything again.

I’ve been there, sweetie. You’ll get through this nihilistic fugue eventually. (THANKSKILLING)

A couple things about this list: It’s subject to change! I will be updating it regularly as I watch more movies. For that reason they are in no particular order. If there’s a link it’s because I’ve also written about the same film elsewhere. Also, if you adore one of the movies I am hating below, feel free to tell me all about it in the comments.

Without further ado: a list of films that I recommend you never watch because they were bad and gave me bad feelings.
    • A lot of people consider this a quintessential So-Bad-It’s-Good but it made me want to gouge my own eyes out. Or the filmmakers’. 60 minutes feels like 6 hours, and the sexism is particularly unfunny.
  • THE HAUNTING (1999)
    • Bad CGI, dreadful narrative structure, light benevolent sexism.
    • I refuse to be sympathetic to murderous sadbois in general, but especially not when the writing and pacing are so poor. JLaw couldn’t save it so nothing can.
  • ALIEN 3 (1992) and ALIEN: RESURRECTION (1997)
    • There’s sexist horror and then there is RESURRECTION. These movies hate women’s bodies so much it’s hard to differentiate them from the experience of hanging out in an incel chat room.
  • INSIDIOUS (2010)
    • Insidiously boring, more like it. Like if you were thinking about watching POLTERGEIST (1982) but decided to lick a razor blade very slowly instead.
  • IN THE TALL GRASS (2019)
    • Nonsensical, interminable, too dark, and plagued by continuous screaming. If you’re looking for a way to intentionally induce headaches, check it out.
  • WINCHESTER (2018)
    • The biggest waste of Helen Mirren that has ever happened.
  • IT: CHAPTER 2 (2019)
    • Sexist, racist, homophobic, fatphobic, and not actually that scary. If you watched IT (2017) Chapter 2 is the same but more and worse with less adorable actors.

Published by Brandy N. Carie

Playwright. Director. Producer. Feminist Takes on Horror Films.

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